just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize