Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
