I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
