I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
