i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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