you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
