Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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