today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
