We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
