the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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