I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
