Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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