do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
