No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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