I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
