I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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