She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
