So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
