I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
