Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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