fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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