taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
