The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
