I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
