Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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