he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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