i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
