Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
