My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
