i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
