You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
