the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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