WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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