i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
