I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
