Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
