I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
