moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize