i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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