with your own penis?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
