You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
