My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize