Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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