yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
