He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
