I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
