he puts the penis in happiness.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
