can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
