I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize