I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
