i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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