I bet he comes in French.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
