I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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