just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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