then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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