I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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