we have pet lesbian snakes
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
