I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
