FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
